This month my brother completely blew me off! And I wait without any conversation, communication or wherwithall to be there as alive but feeling that staying on the planet thinks that "being bad" for not complying with their dictates wins: I am to be not allowed to have the comforts that he and his mother Donna expected always for themselves, since I am not happy enough to love them as if they are always superior to me too. And that is this: allow me to reintroduce to you Katherine the way to hiring the blog to repeat to all men that want to have a friendship that I am really, really ready to try to bury all hatchets and love. But the dollars to stay alive are to be given to me not by the brother that wants to stay afloat as if his father's income is still producing the flow. Not how it panned out, Dahlonega boy!
In the long run the dollars to them will be, but to the credit of God, their attitude towards me is this: Katherine is the failure that wants to be on "daddy's" dole for the eternal ride to hell. And that is the way to take all my money and belongings and labor and precious resources to an investment banker that hasn't the interest what-so-ever in anything but the time to contemplate that he isn't the only actor that responds by dropping the clientele.
I have not the energy to fight. I have not the energy to bee allowed to be without either.
The cash payout for the one automobile that isn't there for me to own would have been more money than the entire amount given to me by the brother that "owns the estate" now!
You are real Katherine. But the energy that says "I have the means to help but the will to not help" says "You are not important to me either." And that is how the willing to will to the Will Brannen knowing that choosing to withhold the rent money is choosing to allow my feelings to turn to resentment that then begs God for the choice to either be allowed the dignity to return, meaning a man not my father/brother is in charge of loving me, or God takes me Home to the world where God lives with the Spirits, a place where money isn't needed to show off that I have an abode to stay warm in.
My rent is $750 that is real. And that is how I need to remember to my mother Donna that the "men" that inherit the reality that all children fed "me" alone feel nothing but I am not real.
